Relationships and Work: Always a Bad Combination?

Recently I had a talk with a friend who is dating a former co-worker.  She always liked the guy, but she didn't make a move until after she left the job. She said she thought it would just be weird.  It turns out he felt the same way.  But now they have to balance both being busy professionals and trying to date someone who lives and works quite a distance from the other.  

Personally, the jury is still out for me as to whether one should date where they work.  I say this because, beginning in highschool, I developed  a strict policy of only dating one person per place.  Fortunately I went to four different high schools, so this allowed me to date four different guys. But I always felt that the "after" was so weird, the last thing I needed was to start another relationship in front of the face of the guy I was just dating.  And for me, what do you do when you are the "ex" but you see the person on a regular basis, more than the "new" girlfriend? This happened with a boyfriend on the track team. I didn't even like him very much, but when he began dating someone new, it was a very awkward situation. 

But maybe adults are mature enough to get over the "feelings."  Or maybe not.  I have noticed that some companies have anti-dating policies.  And there is always risks with individuals dating where one person has influence over the other, whether male or female.  And doesn't one person always have more power than the other in a relationship?

In law school, a professor of mine who I absolutely love suggested in class that a truly loving relationship could develop with a severe imbalance of power (the context was American slavery).  This caused a proverbial fire storm of responses from the female students.  I wonder if, especially in these economic times, the amorous attentions of a supervisor could be perceived like that, the difference between the Macy's line and the bread line.  Is it true that maybe, if a young pretty assistant could easily find a job, office romance would be more real? 

How NOT To Solve Diversity Problems

Every professional job I have ever worked at had a "diversity" initiative.  There was a Black student forum in college.  There was a Black student group in law school.  Of course, just having all the Black students come together didn't solve any of the diversity issues in college.  When I left, there were still no Black employees in the administrative building in positions of responsibility.  Of course, they couldn't find any.  And no matter how often the Black student group met, nothing changed. 

In law school, I don't think that students really even tried to pretend our group had power.  It was a social group; students used it to find friends who looked like them and talked like them; to expand the diversity of their own inner circle. I strongly feel that this is the only thing affinity groups are really good for; they allow you to form relationships with other individuals who share your "other" status.  

In the working world, I feel that groups that target individuals for their "otherness" are an even more disturbing affair.  First, because they can be seen as exclusionary.  And secondly, because people pretend that they make a difference, as if having all the powerless people in a room at one time will somehow make them feel better.  

Individual affinity groups can also cause division in otherwise perfectly cordial settings.  A rowdy discussion of how maybe one person wasn't really Black because they were from a different country, despite that country's shared legacy of slavery, caused a rift in the student group that alienated "traditional" Black students from non-American students, who were equally as Black, but then again, sometimes you can't be sure.  As if there is some metric to Blackness. 

I think that the biggest failing of groups is that they do not do what people pretend they will.  Affinity groups, as they are commonly called, do not empower anyone. If anything, they alienate students, and employees, because they serve as a further reminder of their otherness. 

And, in the work setting, they make it seem like it is the employees fault that they are different.  After going to an event at a former employer, where a supervisor announced that he was doing his part for diversity when he just talked to Black employees, I was dumb struck.  Really? You stoop so low as to talk to little old me? Wow, you must really like Black people!

Image Management Lessons from Celebrities

Today, the BBC is running yet another "Prince Harry is a racist" story.  I personally know nothing about how Prince Harry, a far off member of royalty who has nothing to do with me, feels about people who are a different ethnicity that he is.  But I do know that he is doing a very poor job of managing his image.  And for someone who can afford, and perhaps even be given, professional help to do this, he is a good example of poor image management. 

The media is full of the good and bad, and confusing, of image management.  Because in Hollywood even bad news is better than no news at all, getting a DUI before a movie premier, or after landing a starring role on a hit tv show, is part of image management.  I do think that some of the Brittney Spears meltdown was for show.  I wonder if Amy Winehouse, without the typical hollywood blonde bombshell looks, is fighting to stay relevant with just talent, and so she continually acts out.  Is the tortured genius act real for anyone? 

Real or imagined, the mistakes of the famous are a great way to learn about image management.  Lessons of how stars manage a scandal, which is perhaps the biggest part of image management because everyone messes up, is relevant for the non-famous.  The general rules of scandal, even if it is just blowing a small project in the office, or missing an conference call, for us normal folk, apply:

1.  After a scandal, own up to your mistake.  Celebrities are famous for their canned apologies, and while I know nothing of the sincerity, I do know that they admit their mistakes, even when intentional.  This alone helps them return to good graces, and it diffuses the situation, because upon admitting a wrong, speculation stops, and the story, in effect, stops.  So if you have messed up on a project, or missed an important deadline, don't wait for the story to escalate. Go and apologize. 

2. After a scandal, be mindful of crafting your image as the opposite of your mistake.  When an actor gets a DUI, they are usually seen shortly thereafter reading to children, or heavily involved in a charity. This is important to a star because it forces them to be seen in a different light.  This lesson is important to the average worker, because if after missing a deadline, you finish multiple projects in record time, it will be obvious that you have learned from your mistake.  And that is a way to turn a negative into a positive.  And, eventually, you will be known for your efficiency, and the mistake will be long forgotten (for the most part...).

3. After a scandal, don't mess up by doing the same thing again.  This is how I know that Prince Harry either doesn't have an image consultant, or doesn't listen to him or her.  After doing one boneheaded move, he followed it up with another equally boneheaded one of the same kind.  One sure fire way to lose your job is to have the same problem over and over again.  All apologies will ring hallow.  All attempts to make amends will be useless.  This could reveal that you are in the wrong job.  But it can also mean that you have been approaching the problem the wrong way.  Perhaps the situation reveals that there is a potential for true personal or professional growth.  And perhaps, it's time to reach out for help. 

4. After a scandal, don't forget.  No matter what you do to make amends, and no matter how detail oriented and perfect you are after making a mistake, the mistake has been made. Paraphrasing a proverb: people remember mistakes much longer than successes.  For stars, the media has a long memory, and things a famous person did years ago come back to haunt him or her.  Just look at media coverage.  I don't know why, but it is part of the human psyche.  A mistake will color your perception.  To truly make it go away, don't forget it yourself, and be careful to remove it from the equation.  The initial step is to apologize. The secondary step is to not repeat. But the final step is to never act as if it didn't happen. 

This is incredibly difficult to do, and is why image consultants are so valuable to famous people.  But us non famous people can manage to do this on our own, because the memory of our successes and failures is much shorter.  The biggest part of the equation is being aware of how one is perceived by others, and making choices that ensure that the perception of our co-workers,  supervisors, and anyone else who matters, is as close to the reality of our potential as possible.