For the Ladies: When "Being Yourself" is Absolutely Necessary

A while back, I received a copy of the ABA Journal that I didn't throw away. The ABA Journal is a legal publication, and while I am all law while I am in the office, I am all Cosmo/Redbook outside of it. So no ABA Journal for me please. But this issue actually grabbed my attention because it was a repsentative survey of the feelings of associates and partners about each other with the information sorted along gender lines. I would love love love to read the article on race, but no one has the balls to do that. I am calling you out, ABA Journal.

The article was very interesting, and came to mind today as I read a blog post on the The Professional Woman, where the blogger, Jane Genova, a former professional woman, writes that "no one likes them, not even The Professional Woman." The reason I thought of the ABA Journal is because of an alarming trend in the ABA report: female associates preferred to work with male partners. And female associates were not nearly as preoccupied with the sex line as it pertains to work. They are all about being seen as a lawyer, not as a female lawyer. I had to ask myself: did I take part in this survey? One of my biggest problems when I interviewed for jobs was older female partners who (1) didn't want to talk about gender affinity in the workplace or (2) presented the men as our enemies. I don't think either of those approaches work.

According to Jane, The Professional Woman is an exacting, annoying, perfectionist, who is low on emotions but high on extremes. She is the slow to smile, and calculated in her response. She is cold. She isn't very nice. She isn't very human-seeming, but maybe that is just me.

Jane also provides a picture of the more "normal" woman that The Professional Woman despises. However, seeing and how The Professional Woman despises herself, I won't take it too personal. I didn't quite find her examples universal so much as personal, so I will use myelf as the "real person" example. I am, at work, pretty much how I am at home (minus all the extraness that is reserved for the people I love). Now, I am clearly NOT the professional woman. She just doesn't do it for me. I am a girly girl (my first nickname was Miss Prissy) and I love that. I have a really high voice, and large dimples. Kids love me: I am nonthreatening and look super happy when I smile. And I smile all the time. I am also a generally happy person, and even when I am frustrated I keep it to myself. It is almost impossible for someone like me, who gets confused for a highschool student, to be brazen The Professional Woman who finds her way into an office assistants nightmares on stormy nights. And I don't want to be. It would go against who I am. So I wear my smile, maintain my Southern politeness, and enjoy life. People underestimate me. But I learned in college this really makes me shine! If you think I will get a C, and I get an A, you find my A much more brillant than anyone else's.

I really do suggest maintaining one's feminity/personality and approachability in the educational context, and at work if at all possible. If someone will not take you seriously as who you truly are, they will not take you seriously as a hard-edged The Professional Woman version of yourself. You will still be a woman, if that is their problem in the first place. And people will like you a lot more as a real person. How it carries into the workplace is up to you, and different industries obviously call for different realities (I have heard the stories about female chemical engineers; you must do what works for you). But don't lose yourself trying to be someone else, especially not someone that everyone around you will hate.

Dangerous Experts

In today's expert-heavy market, everyone wants to be an expert at something. It is no surprise, as finding your nitche makes you infinitely more valuable in your career, and is a real boost to one's self confidence.  It means you are really good at something.  But there are a few areas where being an "expert" is dangerous.  A blatant example is an expert for your "race".   Gender is another one. Here's why. 

As work forces diversify, intentionally or otherwise, there will always be someone who is uncomfortable and will pretend to need a helping hand, a guide if you will, to the offensive and unoffensive.  This person will find a helpful member of that race or gender that he or she feels might be offended, and will ask them all types of questions to ensure that their behavior/other's behavior/any behavior is not offensive.  While I have no opinion about the motives of the helping party, I do feel that they do themselves, and the alleged members of their group a great disservice.  I also feel that groups based on melanin or being born with a uterus or the lack thereof are very loosely associated, and any generalizations about them are apt to fail.  

No one is an expert about a group of people.  You can be an expert on cultural practices, leanings, or even typical meanings of cultural activities.  But you cannot be an expert on people. 

I say this because a couple of weeks ago I saw the new Vogue magazine (for the month of March 2008).  The cover is a picture of Lebron James and Gisele Bunchen.  I love Lebron because he plays for the Cleveland Cavaliers, and I am a serious, and I do mean serious, sports fan. I watched the playoffs and Cavaliers with bated breath. I prayed. I cried.  I also love love love Gisele.  I happen to be a real VS girl and was very sad to hear of her departure.  Because of my feelings about the people involved, I really liked the cover. So typical Lebron. So typical Gisele. It made me smile. 

But I browsed Yahoo news this morning and, low and behold there is a huge controversy about the cover.  Upon second look, I realized that viewers could see Lebron giving a King Kong-ish pose.  Upon second look, I realized that viewers could see a huge negative racial undertone: big black man, beautiful non-black woman.  Now I would have never noticed without Yahoo's help.  And I am very very glad that no one asked me for my opinion.  Now I was quite happy to give my opinion to my boyfriend when I saw the cover (I want that picture!).  But being asked it at work, or by anyone hoping to test the temperatures of the response by people who look like me, for this Vogue cover, or any other issue involving race or gender, would be a huge failure in the search for racial understanding.  I am not an expert, and neither are you no matter how ethnic/racial or how gender-sensitive you are.  Being born a certain way makes you nothing but a person born with a uterus or a person with more or less melanin in their skin.  No two individuals have the same set of experiences.  So you, or anyone else for that matter, cannot tell me how I think or feel, or how anyone else thinks or feels, about ANY topic.  Your feelings must carry the caveat: "for me".

Do I think that Vogue could have done things better/different? Am I offended? That is none of your business. I am not, and will never be, your expert. 

Being Mindful of Your Image, and All Your Image

Google is a wonderful thing. The search engine allows you to learn instantly about a multitude of topics and people. But it can also be a thorn in your side. I recommend googling yourself often, as it is a good way to find out what's out there. And a good way to protect your image.  

I started googling people years ago.  If I met a new guy I thought I was interested in, I googled him.  If I was interested in a product, I googled it.  Google helped me pick my car. But with a plethora of information sources available at your fingertips, you have to wonder what those sources say about you. 

This issue arose my second year in law school.  In college, I was a complete nerd, so I had nothing to worry about. But in law school, I had a lot of fun. I went out a lot, I hung out a lot. I made up for college.  But when it came time to apply for jobs, I was told by a very wise 3L (that is short for third-year law student) that I needed to be mindful of my image.  And that I needed to take down less than flattering pictures from social websites, make my more personal information private, and encourage others to do the same.  In fact, nothing about me was the best way to go.

So I combed the internet.  Fortunately, the only actual page about me was about a paper I wrote in English class (and some poems, but you couldn't be sure they were mine).  I felt good.  Then I saw a news special about facebook pictures. I quickly made my page private.  Everything matters.

And it should.  The person you market to potential employers is not the same person your friends enjoy chugging beers with.  You want to market a responsible and capable person.  And an adult, not a college student stuck in a time warp.  My advice--ditch the pictures and avoid links to stories of scandalous times.  Instead, be mindful of your image and market the person you want employers (or your mom or dad) to see.   You show up for an interview in a suit and tie; I doubt that is what you wear everyday.  Pay the same kind of attention to your image, online and off, to ensure that when your employer researches you, they get more of what you want them to see, and less of what you don't. 

Hindsight Isn't Worth a Nickel

I believe that Florida and Michigan are learning the universal truth the hard way.

At some point in after 2004, Floridian and Michigan elected representatives got greedy. While I secretly think that Florida, the home of the ultimate hanging chad dibacle, was secretely trying to do the democrats in all along, I will keep that theory to myself and stick with the script. The elected officials wanted the limelight associated with choosing a president for themselves/their state, and felt that their legends of as motor city/spring-break gettaway destination were just not enough. They wanted to be the states where media flocked to catch a glimpse of a smiling candidate, flocked by children and spouse and adoring crowds, waving to the camera and tearfully clutching their victory to his/her breast.

Boy were they wrong. By resetting their primaries, the states violated Democratic party rules, and ended up with nada. They took a gamble and lost. And managed to disenfranchise democratic party voters in the process. The outrage should be greater than Ohio (I am from Ohio, and people the outrage was far too mild); for goodness sake the elected officials really really messed up. Instead, people blame Howard Dean.

A slight diversion into my Florida theory: Floridians are represented by a duly elected (I think so) Republican Govenor. And, said republican governor probably knows that the way for the Democratic party, his rival party, to win is for people to come out to vote who, well, are kinda iffy about those things. What greater way to convince people not to vote that for their vote not to count in the primary. Fosters the "don't care" mentality that many see as a defining characteristic of this lax group that the Democratic party really needs for support. Genius plan. I hope it doesn't work. But I digress...

And what of the candidate who defied party rules and campaigned in the states suffering from censure? Well, the inevitable first is second. Again, hindsight isn't worth a nickle!

To all politicians who wish to avoid the same fate for their represented voting populace: think before you act, weigh all possible consequences, and be responsible as an elected leader for the sufferage of your populace. You really can't have it all. Instead of money from overeager fans and media personell who need a place to sleep/food to eat/something to do before and after enthusiatic rallies and in between media blitzes added with money from a world famous auto show and spring break underaged drinkers, MI and FL got nothing. And Michigan really needs it.

The moral: Follow the rules, at least the posted ones.

Standing By Your Man

Yesterday when the news about Eliot Spitzer broke, there was his wife standing right beside him. At first, I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I am quite certain I can think of quite a few things she would have been doing, like throwing his clothes out a window for example, that would have been more helpful to her (throwing things is therapeutic, trust me).

But, as I stood in line to get food at the little cafe downstairs from my office with the story on the big screen in the background it hit me: she already knew. And, maybe, just maybe, there is a piece of her that knew this was a possibility when she married him, acknowledged something we women in law school said behind hushed doors when we realized just how much the men we attended school with were capable of: they all (or almost all) cheat.  At my law school, the men seemed to have a run of the place.  But it wasn't just the law school; at all the professional schools where I dated men I saw them star struck by the female possibilities. What's a girl to do? Me: I didn't date. But I realize now that I merely prolonged the inevitable. 

Now I fully recognize that this is a controversial/sexist thing to say: all men cheat. And I don't believe it. But I do think that acknowledging the statistics and reality of the world we live in is what allows a woman to stand by her man in adversity (even cheating adversity) and face reality that no, things will not always be happy for her because she said "I do."

Furthermore, there are benefits to marriage that extend far beyond the comfort of having sexual relations without fear with your mate (I hope that she is not, but that is none of my business).  Marriage is profitable to those involved. People who marry tend to make more money than those who don't.  The men live longer. And marriage is helpful for professionals, it is part of the package, even for women.  

And who do you marry? The men you encounter in life.  And say, for example, like me, you go to law school, a woman in my position almost can't help but marry a fellow professional.  And most likely a lawyer.  Great earning potential, and an understanding partner.  Professionals, legal ones that is, are very busy people; you work and work and work.  A mate who gets home everyday at 4 will need to entertain himself for at least two hours. And how will he do this? 

Yes, how will he do this. Marry a professional and hope for the best.  Either way, they still might end up entertaining themselves for a few hours. Hope they do so alone. 

The Unfortunate Relationship Between Feminism and Race

In law school I took a class that I was really excited about which discussed gender issues.  This class came after a plethora of others on the topic of minorities in society.  Women aren't a minority, but disadvantaged just the same, so I wondered how different the issues would be.  All my "otherness" classes were taught by men.  While I am not one-hundred percent sure where feminists stand on all issues, I am definitely staunchly pro-women, so I felt that having a class taught by a feminist about women issues would be close to perfect.

What I was not expecting was the intense personal conflict I felt between my minority identity and my identity as a female.  I also did not expect to leave the class convinced that I could not be a feminist and be a Black person, at least not the kind of feminism I encountered in my class.  But I am Black and it colors how I see the world and how people see me.  Just as much as being a woman if not more.  It didn't help that this class was when I was dating a guy who made me promise him not to go "all feminist" on him.  I ditched the guy. And the class. Why should I have to choose? 

I haven't thought about this experience for a while. But it came to my mind briefly when reading a blog by a woman who supports Obama.  The blog centered on the idea of whether she had to pick the woman because she was a woman, or the person she just wanted to support.  I had a moment where I thought: why should she have to choose.  Why do any of us?

Then today, listening to NPR, I heard this discussion on News and Notes about an op-ed where a woman basically said that women have been treated worse than Black men. It was a piece on the presidential campaign. It was to lend support to the female candidate.  I must confess, Hillary was kind of my hero before this campaign. I just don't know anymore, though I guess I shouldn't hold the words of another against her.  However, the op-ed writer had to have been talking about non-Black women.  As I thought (with Harriet Tubman): "ain't I a woman?"  For the first time I really really understand what that means.  It is feminism divorcing women.    Again, I felt that feminism failed me. And I am a woman!

It is impossible for anyone to be completely aware of the significance of their behavior to everyone around them. That is the big "issue" with diversity; why some people say diversity makes the workplace a sterile place.  I agree; but the times, they are "a changing" for the vast majority of the places and causes we encounter on a daily basis.  However, consistently feminism isolates minority women in their quest for the feminist "cause" to be heard.  As if minority women, and in the case of this presidential election, Black minority women, don't count. 

 

And, a little side note: everyone likes to say that Black men could vote before women.  While this is true on paper, this was not universally true in practice.  And really, do you want to switch places with any minority male? Collectively, minority males have had a hard time here in the US.  Especially Black males.  Furthermore, if the voting rights "fun fact" were really the case, then much of the Civil Rights Movement was for nothing.  Ever heard of the Grandfather Clause? Or voting tests? Reality is not nearly as pretty as people would lead you to believe, especially when it comes to the treatment of women AND minorities (including men) in the United States.