Teach People How To Treat You

As a young, unattached worker, my schedule is very flexible. But even still, things happen that affect my ability to work at any hour.  And my religious convictions mean that one day of the week, I don't work. 

Even given enormous flexibility, I still have problems with work. In college, I had a terrible experience with a stalker on the campus safety force. I nearly had a nervous breakdown, and I needed a couple of days to recoup.  My employer reluctantly gave me two days off, but then decided that those two days meant I wouldn't receive my stipend (less than minimum wage, but I was receiving college credit) for the entire week. I don't think she meant to be difficult, but it was no way to respond to an employee who was having a very difficult time.  I didn't know what to do about it. However, I began to be less flexible, and reminded her that in reality I was only supposed to be there for 10 hours a week, not the 30+ I had been doing. 

I learned the hard way, through an awful summer intern position, that I needed to let people know about my religious convictions up front. Mostly because I was treated badly because I had to leave a firm event at sunset Friday. And also because people seemed to relish in giving me projects that I could "just put a Saturday in" and be done with. 

I don't think that every instance was malicious. But I do think that for some reason, being young and unattached seems to signal that you are constantly available, and that your time is completely open to your employers discretion. 

As a solution to this problem, I have learned the importance of drawing lines, and sticking to them. That is the only way to avoid working 24/7 at someone else's discretion.  And, as both a work principle and a life principle, I have learned that you must teach people how to treat you. That doesn't mean that you will greet the individual who attempts to upset your planned vacation with curses. But it does mean that you will press the person for other solutions to their needs.  Technology will allow you to work in many places, and a discussion about the real time needs of the project may help the person get a better idea of how their Saturday night demand is arbitrary. 

On the off chance (ha!) that you meet someone who really is purposefully trying to upset your life, you must also teach them how to treat you. It is highly unlikely that you are the only person at your job who knows how to do what you do. Provide them with their options.  And, it is equally as unlikely that the document that you are working on must be finished on a Sunday (most clients aren't in on Sunday, and the post office/ups/fedex doesn't even deliver or pick up). Forcing the person you are working with, politely, to acknowledge the fact that weekend work is really for Monday, and that you can finish the assignment just as easy on Monday morning will work in your favor.   You can gently guide that plan buster to the realization that your time is more valuable, and that you are productive enough to have a life. 

Releasing your life to someone else's whims will ruin it. Maybe this is what happened to the individual who is trying to upset your life. Maybe they don't want to go home. Maybe they don't have anyone who they want to spend time with. That doesn't have to be you, and you need to show the people in your life they matter, and the purposeful "life busting" fellow employee that you will not let this happen to you.  But do it in a nice way, so that the person won't know what hit them! Remember,  the ultimate goal is always to teach the person, politely, how you want to be treated. 

Networking Secrets: the More Personal the Better (for Clients)

Being married to a client is the best way to keep them. As long as you stay married.   This is because the most stable relationships are often the most intimate.  Family and close friends make great clients, because they feel obligated to use your services. 

Many people discourage mixing business and "pleasure." But I have personal history that has taught me otherwise.  When I was in high school, I needed to sell these really awful noodles in order to raise money for a choir trip. I tried selling them to strangers, but no one seemed interested in multi-colored noodles that were shaped like musical instruments.  Then I hit up the family connection. I sold over 20 boxes of $5.00 noodles, that happened to be inedible. My mother bought at least four. My grand mother too. I got to go on my choir trip. 

Recent "research" shows that people like to do things or people who do things for them. People do things for people they like.  In a study, people went into a room and took a test with a stranger. One individual was selling cookies, and asked their fellow test taker to purchase cookies. They received mediocre responses. Until they changed the plan; before the test was over, during a break, the individual who would be offering to sell cookies bought the other test taker a soda.  After the end of the test, the individual again asked his or her fellow test-taker to buy cookies from them.  The individuals asked after being bought a soda bought several times more cookies than the individuals who were just asked without being given anything. 

Perceived relationship and history matters.  And the more of it, and the more sense of obligation the better.  So when you think of networking, and clients, think about opportunities around you, through family and friends, and don't be afraid to ask from those who love you. 

Working Lady, not so Pretty Woman

Pretty Woman is one of my favorite movies of all time. Not for the lessons about money and power, which in reality are rather disturbing. I like it because of the idea, of a modern day prince. The last sequence of the movie, when Richard Gere climbs the fire escape and "rescues" Julia Roberts, that is the scene that makes the movie. 

Right now, I want to be rescued. But not from a career which, so far, is very interesting and provides the variance in life that I need. And not from a boring life; I really like my life, though it isn't nearly as exciting as I would have dreamed.  I just want to be rescued. I want someone to proclaim their love for me for some reason. The thing is, I don't really need to be rescued.  So I wonder if someone ever will climb a fire escape, or even stairs, to make some life changing declaration. I don't think that such a declaration exists. 

I feel like the fact that I'm not a woman who needs things makes it even more difficult. I break the feminine "mold" if you will; I violate the stereotype. I have no fantasy or illusion of a charmed stay-at-home life. It would drive me crazy. Having a job gives me something to do every day. And I like it. And I am not working for the moment to meet the rich guy who changes everything. I'm not working for the man.  I'm want to be man. 

But I still want to be in a relationship. A healthy relationship with someone who compliments me. Maybe I need an emotional rescue. An emotional meeting with my own version of Richard Gere. I guess only time will tell. 

When the Oppressed Becomes the Oppressor

Last year, an ABA article discussed partner/senior associate preferences for mid-level, young associates. The most amazing part was, female associates disproportionately preferred working with male senior associates/partners. The overall complaint was that female partners expected more and were more difficult to work with for female associates. 

This is a familiar complaint for female associates in my anecdotal experiences.  For example, there was an associate who would assign projects to summer associates and always give them bad reviews. Of course the associate was a woman.  I have heard similar experiences from associates of color, and I believe my own experience supports this. 

Perhaps this is because of the socialization pressures that exist for female partners, and how hard a woman had to have worked to become a partner. But, perhaps there is another factor at play. The fact that formerly oppressed individuals tend to be the worst oppressors. 

This thought came to my mind after elections, and after hearing that the blame for the passing of Proposition 8 in California is being placed on homophobic black voters.  Minority groups tend to try harder to blend, and be even more oppressive to those who do not fit into the stereotypical views of the majority. Minority groups also tend to be slower to change, and more religious (mostly Christian).  It protects visions of community. It also causes homophobic beliefs to thrive in a higher proportion than within the general population. 

I feel that, sadly, much of this blame is honest, because it is the same factor present for why female managers had such a bad rap among female employees (and even male employees) in the late eighties/early nineties. It is why when groups that have lacked power obtain it, there is often a blood bath.  I think it is difficult to forget the painful experience of obtaining power, or even being viewed as human and respected, and the urge to make someone else pay just like you have must be overwhelming.  

Context is an Invaluable Thing

The Reverend Wright Scandal was not a big surprise for me, and I was not offended at all by the snippets of what he said. Mostly, this was because I carefully read and listened to what he said, and more than one touted statement was a quote.  The second reason is, I went to a religious school, with a very diverse student population, and there were two churches on one campus within a couple hundred feet of one another. A Black church and a White church. The White church even had the nerve to preach against the Black church. The pastor said the division was sad, because we were all God's children (or something sophisticated, along those lines).  The entire debate was what was really sad, because it revealed the fundamental misinformation, and lack of context, that the White church had on what the Black church represents. 

In college, and now, I spent my days in a world where I was the exception rather than the rule. There weren't a lot of Black english majors, or a lot of Black honors students.  And, no matter what anyone says, people prefer people who look like them. It shows them their own potential. And there is an assumed shared experience. Whether this is true or not is irrelevant. It is a socialized aspect of humanity. It is why women and men will gravitate towards one another in a room. It is why groups of friends tend to share physical attributes.  It is why I went to the Black church. 

At the university, the only day of the week where I saw people in positions of responsibility who looked like me was at church. And, the preacher acknowledged this shared experience in his sermons.  I have the human condition of enjoying being around people who look like me. That is why I believe churches are segregated and will remain segregated until this tendency is eradicated for the socialization process. 

Because of this context, at university, the sermons were different in the Black versus the White church. The Black preacher talked about the shared experience, about the hurdles the church member experienced, about the reason that he or she was in that church building and not 200 feet away, at the White church.  The sermons were firey. The rhetoric was intense. The service always ran long, and no one complained. This was at the Black church.  This was, pretty much, the opposite of the White church. 

This is why I understand Reverend Wright. Do I agree with everything he says? No. But the things that he said are whispered quietly in diverse communities by the Black community members, and discussed loudly at family events for Black families. I heard about the "AIDS conspiracy" long before Reverend Wright preached it (about 10 years ago, not yesterday, but whatever).  Furthermore, because many Black people feel like they are strangers and outcasts in this country, I understand why the idea of saying "God damn America" just might be what you want to hear, after a work week of feeling like you were being dumped on by all the accepted "Americans" around you.  America has a very negative history of race relations. This history is reinforced every time the media talks about men murdered by police officers, and missing Black children reported on years after their disappearance.  If you weren't a recipient of this negative history, you probably wouldn't think about this. Maybe not ever. But if you live in a world that looks nothing like you, and you struggle to fit in, and struggle to make your way, because of something about you that you didn't choose and had no part in, this history would be weighing on your mind regularly, a painful reminder of all the things in the world we can't control. 

Don't Let "You" Get In The Way Of Your Success

In the book "How to Make People Like You" a central theme is evident: people are alike. Fundamentally, for both needs and desires. That is why techniques that really work, work on everyone.  And this leads to a universal but rarely embraced truth: you really aren't special. I am not special. You and I are like everyone else. Sure, we have particular stories and particular successes and failures, but the general theme of our lives are not that different from the man across the street. 

It might be hard to understand, but as soon as you do, this will be very helpful in your day to day relationships. That is, if you will let it. Understanding that your desires coincide with those of your neighbor, and that you really can present this as a way to get ahead, is important. The question then becomes, how will you use it. 

There are a lot of really annoying lawyers. Lawyers who do things that are down right despicable. Lawyers who scheme and scam to get ahead. Lawyers who are just down right annoying. But there is an annoying scheming scammer in all of us. We really are no different.  We just make different choices.  And what is life, really, but the sum of your choices?

If you, however, remain convinced that you are special, that you are unique, and that your needs are somehow truly peculiar, in a good way, you are only setting yourself up for failure. Because you will present yourself as someone apart, and really, people don't like that.  

Like-able people are more successful. Not just because they are like-able, but because they think about others and it makes them more like-able. People do things for people they like.  People who feel they are special are probably thinking all about themselves.  People who accept their shared humanity can put their selfishness to bed, and work objectively on meeting their success objectives.

A quick exercise in being more like-able: rather than think about yourself in a situation, find out about other people. Observe the things in your boss's office, and ask questions. Google things you may or may not understand, so that you can speak from a position of knowledge.  Ask for their feedback, and really listen and engage in what they are saying. Treat them how you would like to be treated, as if they are important. It will make you more like-able, and more important, in their eyes. And, this will ultimately make you more successful at what you do. Because people will want to do things for you. 

Chicken Little Moment: Recession Fears Grow But There Is A Glimmer of Hope

A recession, by definition, is two or more (depending on who you talk to) months of no GDP, or negative GDP. Even a $200+  stimulus check didn't pull us out of the hole we are in. Even a trillion dollar loan to the financial industry didn't pull us out of the hole we are in. Even a conspiracy by the gasoline industry, lowering the cost of gasoline to unprecedented levels, and still we remain in a hole. 

About every other day there are rumors of layoffs. Some of these rumors come to fruition, like Goldman Sachs just officially announced layoffs. I heard about these via the "rumor" mill almost a month ago. 

This is a scary time to be a young worker. But I think that, because of the coming shortage of man power, there will be a strong bounce back. And young employees are smart; they don't put all their eggs into one basket, and they are obsessed about training and development, as well as education.  

A talking head on CNN last night said that the economy has "bounced back". He said that, because the markets are generally up, the Dow by over 1000 points from it's low last week, that he thinks the time to buy on a bargain is past. I am taking his optimistic forecast with a grain of salt as banks still hoard money.  Companies are still trimming their workforce. I don't know if it is so much because they need to or because they can, and use the economic climate as an excuse. Only time will tell how things will work out, but I do see light at the end of the tunnel. Companies have not adequately invested in technological solutions, which means that they still require a premium in man power. And everything can't go overseas; they still have to deal with some customers face to face. They still have to move goods back into the country. And they still need a US base to address these issues. 

My "Historical" Perspective on the Current Election Drama

I am very proud to be American because of this election. For the first time in my life. If you don't like it, this is America, and I am exercising my First Amendment right.  But you can exercise your's, and be as proud of this economy going down the toilet place as you want, for as far back in its sordid and abusive past as you would like. I read by history book, and slavery, followed by colonization is an ugly thing. 

The first election I remember clearly is Bill Clinton's first term.  I remember sitting election night with my own map on the living room coffee table, a blue and red crayon beside the map.  I watched anxiously as election results came in, and felt very sad about being shooed to bed before California precincts were all in, even though the news heads, and I,  knew that Clinton had taken California.  

I remember my father announcing that he didn't trust Clinton, and how he had not voted. My mother sheepishly admitted she voted for Ross Perot.  I remember Perot as the first serious third-party presidential contender of our time.  And the most serious since.  However you feel about the Green party, or Libertarians, they have made a limited splash.  Around this time, my first clear election memory, I also had the realization that the biggest issue for non-Democrat/Republican candidates isn't just the third-party status but money.  Evidently money really does make the world go round, even in politics.