Career Advice: An Affair at Work Will Probably Ruin Your Job

I happen to think that, for many people in marriages or relationships they have no business being in, an affair is unavoidable. I know that many people are uncomfortable even discussing the idea of infidelity. Or in acknowledging just how prevelant it is. But it happens. Especially at work. And while it is not ideal it is expected. Sometimes people find real love. More often than not, they find a headache. But an affair for love is one thing. An affair for power is another. And it will seriously, seriously undermind your career. Because afterwards, no one will take you seriously.

I realize just how easy it is for one to occur; I almost had one while in law school. In my defense, I didn't know he was married. I was glad I wasn't a home wrecker, but felt very insulated by my lack of knowledge, and went along my merry way.

But I look at it much differently now, when the person I would be entering the relationship with would have a certain power over my career. I see it differently because, well, I want to be successful. And I want to be taken seriously. And one sure way to not be taken seriously is to be seen as a sex object.

In college, I was told the tragic story of a PhD student who had an affair with her advisor. Everything went great. Until he became possessive. And didn't want her fraternizing with other male professors. Which was all of the professors she had. It really hurt her career in the long run.

I see some of the same issues in the work world. Women who have affairs have a certain stigma. The man and woman involved can lose their jobs when there is a severe power imbalance. The male with a reputation of sleeping with his subordinates will be viewed in a negative light. Women are leary of their interest. Other men, especially subordinates, view them in a different light, and want to distance themselves from their tactics (unless they are like them, which is a whole different story). But the way that women talk about women who have affairs to move up the career ladder made me resolve never, ever to do such a thing. Unless I love him. And unless I plan to change jobs. No female takes a female colleague seriously when she feels her colleague  got ahead on her back. Plain and simple. And I am sure that it applies to males as well.

What I Do On the Weekends

On the weekends, when I am not traveling, I read, and especially, I write. Or at least I try to. I have a hard time, though, putting something down because I do put a lot of pressure on myself to write well. I have an english degree after all, with a writing emphasis. I love to write though. About all kinds of things. I have written lyrics to pop songs. Started my autobiography. And began numerous attempts at a great American novel. My favorite, though, are short stories. I can start, and end them, in one sitting.

I started writing short stories in highschool. At first, they were really morbid. I mean, someone died at the end of every one of them. In the first one, a woman's husband, facing financial ruin, goes crazy and jumps out of a second story window, impaling himself on their white picket fence below. Of course, the wife happens to be outside hanging laundry on a line. The blood lands on flowers, and a little bit of spray is within inches of her bare feet. Oddly enough, the wife was hardly phased. And it turned out they were not ruined. My English teacher didn't know what to say.

Then I started writing autobiographical stories. I wrote about my childhood experiences in Georgia. I wrote about everything from hearing the rain on my grandmother's rusty tin roof window to being sexually assaulted by someone on my grandmother's porch. But my mom read one of the stories. And I don't think she liked it very much. So I had to start hiding my writing.

Then my writing went through a light period. I wrote about loving butterflies. I wrote about rose-colored glasses. It was horribly cliche. And fortunately, that was temporary. I went back to the butterfly story, and in the new ending, all the butterflies die.

In college, I wrote about religion. At first, that was positive too. Till I remembered an incident I had as a child, when I halucinated and saw Jesus in my dining room, and how he climbed off the cross and and was going to make me pay for putting him there. I fainted before he reached me. I put it in a story about an irrational fear of batman. Needless to say, at my Christian conservative college, all of the students who listened to the story (or almost all) stopped talking to me. And, oddly enough, I never finished the story. My professor said that at the end, I should include what it meant to the protagonist, and her feelings about religion. I never got around to that. I realized recently, looking back on my writing, that I rarely really finish what I write.

Right now, I find I am writing about relationships. Which I am happy about, because no one is dying. Especially not the "me-like" character in them. But, in my latest story, the antagonist is a little too much like my boyfriend. Who happens to be a really really nice person, so I have no idea how it turned out like that. So in the interest of not offending anyone, I will keep my writing to myself.

Writing short stories, or any writing at all, is a great release, however, and I really enjoy my time spent in creative musing. Work is hard; I rarely am very sure what it is I am supposed to be doing, and routinely I am at the office until 9 o'clock at night or so (and I get here between 8 and 8:30AM). So it is a wonderful experience, early Saturday evening or Sunday morning, to prop myself up in bed, and let the creative side vent, exploring my passions and experiences, the good and the bad, in the form of a me-like protagonist.

Service Rightly Motivated Is True Service To One's Communitiy; Or Why I am Totally Against Forced Charity

I have very definite feelings about the need to give back to the community. And I am involved; I just don't like to talk about it unless I am asking you for help. But I also disagree with forced charity. My law firm requires it's employees to contribute to charity. My law school required it's students to do 40 hours, before graduation, of something that was loosely defined along the lines of "giving back" to the community. In college, we had numerous "drives" encouraging students to "give back" to the community. And before you graduated, you had to show that you had participated in at least one.

Now, as you can probably tell, I was not a fan of any of these initiatives. I donate of my time and money on a regular basis. I just don't want to have to tell you about it.

I truly feel that the community does not need your forced charity, not when you have no real relationship to or understanding of the agency you are forced to support, and not when you do it for a photo op. Not when it is done as something you must do to get your J.D. degree. Not when it is done as something you must do to meet your corporate obligations. Not when you are not connected. I think you do more harm than good. Especially when it involves children.

In law school we had a discussion about one's duty to the community, and as it was amongst the Black law students, it was a very guilt-infused discussion. The feelings on the topic ranged from people who felt that driving in disadvanted communities in your BMW is giving back, to people who felt doing anything else with your life other than devoting yourselves to these communities makes you a sell out (now this is my understanding of the discussion, and not a fact!). I think it falls somewhere in the middle. I think it involves passion, and connection, and a sense of duty to fellow human beings.

Last month I read a story on CNN about a woman who lives in Texas and each week she loads up her car with toys, and clothes, and food for children in a town across the Mexican border. She and her husband have started a church and mission there. She had been doing this for years, long before someone who knows her brought it to the attention of a reporter. She does it because she cares. She doens't tell people, beyond asking them for donations. She doesn't use it to meet a corporate need, or assague guilt. She does it for the little children whose lives are made better every week simply because she cares.

A Law Suit IS Bad for Your Career

I am a huge fan of legal blogs. Mostly because, since law school, I find that I have developed law humor. Which is ok but I recognize doesn't appeal to everyone. My boyfriend has Statistician humor. Yep, I don't get it either!

But the legal blogs I frequent, and other blogs that are career oriented, also report an interesting trend within the professional world, and reveal how bad of an idea it is to sue your boss/employer. Especially for discrimination.

It wasn't always this way. Law suits used to be ways to effectuate effectual change. Except when it became obvious that they didn't work and employers just did the minimum to be sure they weren't sued, and stopped talking to their employees about things that could get them sued.

To fully understand, you must have some background. In 1989, Ann Hopkins, a senior manager at Price Waterhouse, sued her employer for gender discrimination because she was denied partnership in 1982 and subsequent years. She based her claim on comments and actions by her employer. This case was a big deal for me in law school. She won. I am not sure what she won, but she won. It was validation that women have rights in the workplace, even the professional discretionary workplace.

Fastforward a week or so in my employment discrimination class. I read about a black male who sued his law firm in more recent times (2002 I think?) and never got a job in the industry again. Now he's a writer. I think. Maybe it's not such a good idea.

Maybe it was ok to sue in 1989, but it is not ok now. And the problem isn't the suit; it is how a suit is perceived within the community. A law suit is very expensive. A law suit is very time consuming. A law suit sweeps dirt from under the rug. It is not pretty, and it is not good for a company. Would you want an employee who sued their last employer? Companies feel they could be next!

Recent cases, such as a sexual discrimination case based on sexual orientatioin that settled in 2007, remind me just how widely disseminated information about employees who speak out about discrimination is, and just how much of a scarlet letter a suit becomes.

I honestly don't know how to combat problems of discrimination. And, as I witness them every day in my employment, I don't think that the law is all that well situated to handle it. For professionals, a law suit can be the end of your career. I suggest using the channels for discirmination provided by your employer internally. And finding someone you can have frank honest discussion with. They don't have to look like you. Suing your employer should be the option of last, final, and penultimate resort.

It's a fine line...

I have noticed something at work. And so have other female associates.  Most of the partners are male and it seems that they single out the male associates.  Not that they don't talk to us. Or give us work. Or invest time and interest in our career. It's just, we aren't men.

I think that male supervisors/partners/higher-ups see themselves in male employees in a way that they will never see themselves in their female employees. I have been told that I remind people of daughters, and sisters. But never themselves.  Which in all honesty makes sense. I am not a man! But it does cause me to walk a fine line.  The line that exists between being a woman and being enough like a man to make a man comfortable.  I almost feel that I need to be gender neutral.  I am again seriously considering a voice coach to help me sound more authoritative.  It is something I have to always keep in mind; I am really really feminine. But it is necessary.  The work world is very gender sensitive.  And gender roles can make it difficult to form the relationships based on equality that are necessary for one's career. 

The Myth About Culture

When I applied to law firms, and sat through what felt like endless interviews with firm after firm, one of the pointless questions I would ask was about firm culture.  Invariably the answers began to all sound the same: we are a flexible place. We like women and minorities.  We let people work from home.  There aren't any "screamers" here. The list went on and on.  One of my favorites was "we think work-life balance is important."  It was as if that question was their opportunity to debunk all myths about law firms and the people who work there.  

When I went to work at the place I work now, I realized very quickly that while this firm marketed themselves as "not New York", and a lifestyle choice, it was a choice.  The second week I was there a first year associate at the time greeted us one morning wearing the same clothes he was wearing the day before.  And, a couple of weeks later when I wondered into the office after a baseball game to get the clothes I had changed out of, I saw him asleep at his desk.  It was significant to me that he was definitely the only one living like that.  But it was obvious that if you wanted to, you could work very very hard at the firm. 

Which lead me to my new belief about a company's culture: it is what you make it.  There are, with any large company, lots of different types of people in a company.  And, with any company, there are many different ways of doing things.  Often, at least with firms and businesses that I have seen up close and personal, culture is about not the norms but the options.  And these options are almost identical lots of places.

Now by options I mean the things that a company has done to retain it's employees.  I mean instituting a business casual policy and days where employees can wear jeans.  I mean providing laptops so that employees can work from home.  I mean providing a mentorship program so that employees have a better way to integrate themselves into the business, by receiving advice from someone who has been in their shoes.  No company says that there are people you can't talk to  and things you can't do.  But at every company these individuals exist, and there is one client, or one "place", where you just don't go. 

And really, it must be this way.  No matter how a company presents itself, it is all about the bottom line.  The company wants to make money off of you.  And they want you to stay long enough to get a really big return from their investment.  My personal example: if I bill the proper number of hours at a law firm, a firm will make a minimum of $350K a year from my work.  And that is after they pay my salary, and the salary of my assistant.  No matter how great the company, it all comes down to the bottom line.  Companies only do things that help them.  So maybe one firm has cooler partners.  And one company has a CEO famous for being relaxed and encouraging his employees individuality in the workplace.  But best believe, if your individuality or your personal relationships come in the way of the bottom line, you will be cut off, faster than you can say "what's the culture again?"

What does this mean for culture? I think it means good things. It means you should capitalize on the many options that are available where you are. It means that while the screamers are at any place you go, you can avoid them.  And it means that your company can change, especially if a "culture-driven" change in another company increases the bottom line.  While I think "culture" as a single, identifiable entity is a myth, the power of choices that it can create is very much alive and well.

As a side note, I do think that there is a difference, for example, in the culture of a small company that is a start-up versus a big company that is a practical staple of it's society.  But, once that start up is fully integrated and developed, I don't think that the options that both companies present will necessarily be all that different. 

Some Graduate School Advice... from someone who has been there!

I arrived at my law school campus the first day of September of 2004. I don't like to talk about it, because I have strong mixed emotions. The first month was probably one of the most miserable months of my life. But, I get emails from younger friends and friends of family members asking me for advice about law school or graduate school. I always approach such situations with a bit of trepidation. Now, I reallly enjoyed my experience in graduate school, and there are many, many things I enjoyed about my time in the Boston/Cambridge area. But there are definitely some things I did not enjoy, and many things I would do differently. So here, in a list, are some "recommendations" if you will, for others persuing graduate school in general, and law shcool in specific.

1. Be prepared for debt
I was not prepared. I graduated and discovered that I was very, very in debt. Owning a house in the midwest in debt. It hurt. I felt trapped. However, I did have a job with a high salary. I just realized that I wouldn't be living quite as well as I had anticipated. Graduate school is expensive. Not only for the costs but what you forgo. In many programs, you will not make any income while you are in school. But you continue to have living expenses. And then there is the cost of education. While schools offer financial aid, know the real cost of education, not just the cost of living in the cheapest graduate student housing and the cost of courses. Books are very expensive in graduate school. You have to eat, and family still expect to see you every now and then around holidays. So if you do decide to go, be prepared for debt.

2. Be prepared for a path of least resistance
This is especially true in professional school. At my law school, everyone is going to (1) clerk for a federal judge and (2) work at a law firm. I got to graduate school expecting more of college. I loved college, for the most part, by the way, and I felt I was kind of a big deal there. Law school was totally different; people go there to get a job immediately. In December of my first year I began interviewing for jobs. It was like a nightmare; I have severe social anxiety and I would feel as if I were going to die everytime I would walk into an interview room. And was this really what I wanted to do? I had no idea! I had no plan beyond arriving on campus. So I got swept up in the stream.

Fortunately, by the time clerkship interviews came along I had found my footing. I found, miraculously, that the law firm culture wasn't that bad for me. But it was hard; there is a torrential path in law school leading you to a place where you might not want to be. I can imagine that it is the same in other graduate programs. So before you go, figure out why it is you are going. Graduate school is not an extension of college.

3. Be prepared to change
While it is terrible to enter law school without a clear cut goal, it is almost equally as bad to enter with a misinformed goal. I met a lot of people while I was in law school who came there wanting to practice a specific type of law, like appellate advocacy work, or supreme court appeals. At a first year law student, I thought how smart they seemed. Now, when someone in law school tells me that they want to practice criminal appellate work in the United States Appeals Court straight out of law school it is all I can do to keep a straight face. Appellate work is a difficult field to crack; you will definitely be doing something else. Interestingly enough, when someone told me that they wanted to do IP work, I didn't give it a second thought. But, it turns out, while not sounding nearly as glamerous, my friend with a nuclear engineering major had the only realistic goal of all of us. And, from what I can see, it isn't bad work!

When I finally did decide what I wanted to do, I was convinced that I wanted to help the downtrodden have fair access to the judicial system. I even took a clinical with that goal in mind. In fact, I did four semesters of clinicals, much more than I was actually allowed to do. What I came away with was a profound understanding of how criminal behavior and poverty are linked, that the solution to a person's problems cannot be found in the justice system, and an understanding of how my empathy was a downfall in my practice. After nearly coming to blows with a juvenile client's mother, I knew I had to find a new goal. But fortunately, I was prepared to change. I am not sure if my friend with an eye on appellate work ever found a more earthly calling.

4. Don't let graduate school be the sum of your life
My first month in law school I rarely left the small area where the school was located, and I was an emotional wreck. Then I got on the phone with my aunt and figured out how to take the train to where she lived. I saw interesting and rather frightening things on my train ride (two men slugging it out in the train station over a baseball game), but I did expand my life. And I started dating people from other schools. And going to events on other campuses. Eventually, I was comfortable with the urban jungle where I found myself, and would regularly visit a restaurant here or a shopping center there. I appreciated the city. And, oddly enough, the more relaxed perspective greatly improved my performance in law school.

5. Some additional suggestions
I don't suggest going straight through for graduate school unless you know you have the stamina. I saw a lot of burnout, for myself and others. It was really tough for me, and I nearly quit more than once. I also don't suggest going to graduate school just anywhere; go to the best program you can afford. I also suggest, finally, that you acquaint yourself with how you function. You need to know how you study and how you learn. You need to know what your limits are in social settings, and what your limits are for relationships. Become comfortable in your own skin. Graduate school is full of people who are trying to find their footing, and it will cause you to challenge yourself and question yourself in really hard ways. You might not think you are smart enough, or accomplished enough, or anything enough. You might start, like I did, to think the people around you must be crazy. And the school itself is hard work. It is demanding work. But if you learn to accept yourself, flaws and all, and learn to be yourself around others despite the situation, you can capitalize on your good points, and you will be posed to grow both academically and socially in a way you never thought possible.

How International Travel Made Me a Better Person, and How It Can Help You Too!

When I was a teenager, I left the country to go on a "mission trip", which is what they called my twelve days abroad building a school and staring at the locals.  I knew that there had to be a better way, and when my Spanish was up to par, I returned to South America intent on building real relationships.  And I loved it, spending weeks speaking a different language, enjoying new cuisine, and getting to know a place that was completely foreign.  I also learned what real poverty is, and just how much I had to be thankful for.

I traveled a lot after that, going all over the world. One of my favorite trips was to Australia, and Sydney is definitely a city I could see having a second home in.  But the Australia trip was also very disturbing, when I realized just how far behind Australia is when it comes to human rights, and the treatment of its native population.  They made comments to me that were so infuriating I had to walk away, literally.  Other nations build their policies from the examples of the United States, but I feel that they are also very slow to truly learn from them.  Before that trip, I never thought I would say it, but I told someone on the plane ride to our next destination I was glad to be a minority in the US and not someplace else, like Australia.

My most recent trip was to Cape Town, South Africa.  It is one of the most beautiful cities in the world, and I highly recommend it.  I loved everything about it.  It is surprisingly diverse.  The city rests between several mountains, and is surrounded by beaches.  But it holds a painful dichotomy of rich and poor.  This is made worse by the fact that I found the individuals I interacted with were so incredibly well-educated, and many street vendors spoke several languages.  While in a small street vendor's shop having my hair braided, I met individuals from all over the continent with diverse backgrounds from all over the world.  

My biggest benefit, I think, of international travel, is that I am not afraid of anything.  I have been all types of places, all over the globe, and nothing scares me anymore.  I really feel that I can take on the world.  I overcame my fear of people, and learned to cope with my social anxiety through travel.  I have gone to places where people did not look like me or did not speak the same language.  I learned to find the universals in people.  Everyone has something in common simply because they are human.  If you realize that, you can connect with anyone, and find those meaningful bonds.  No matter where I have gone, I managed to find someone with whom I could connect, and have friends who are like family all over the globe.  If you can do that with a language barrier, how much easier will it be to create those kinds of bonds in a work setting, with lots in common with the individual in the cubicle next door?

Travel does one more thing though, which I feel everyone would benefit from: it opens your mind.  It expands your horizons on the topics that plague society like societal duty to the poor, race, religion, and gender.  And this helps you whether rich or poor.  Growing up, my parents didn't have a lot of money, but they did a lot for us, and they had a distinctly different approach to life than the parents of many of my friends who lived in the poor working class neighborhood where I grew up.  Instead of nice shoes and clothes as a goal, I would raise money to travel and take part in learning activities, like summer camps and spelling bees.  We didn't fit the mold in our community.  I think a huge part of the perspective my parents held, which allowed them to craft a peculiar childhood for me, was that they both had traveled all over the globe by the age of 21.  My parents had a really "big" view of things, and they passed this on to their children.  So I traveled early and often, and learned a lot about life, even on our shoestring budget.  

It is one thing to hear about the opera house in Sydney; it is another thing to experience it, to stand next to it and touch it, and hear the acoustic balance within its walls.  It is one thing to hear about the pyramids; it is another thing to survey them from the back of a camel.  The experiences gleaned from international travel are invaluable, life changing, and value affirming.  Such experiences teach you to be thankful for what you have, and provide examples on how you and I can improve at home. 

Confessions of a (Recovering) Perfectionist

I must confess, I am a recovering perfectionist. If I am not careful, I worry endlessly if what I do is perfect. If I don't watch it, I stress myself out about whether or not I am meeting all of the unrealistic "perfect" goals I set for myself.  And despite my best efforts, I am on an endless quest to be better.  And, everything in my life must be getting better as well (relationships, personal attributes, professional attributes).  If I can't trade up, what am I trading to? 

While some desire to be perfect is good, too much is really a dangerous and annoying way to live.  My drive for perfection has caused the demise of more than one dating relationship, and I am still not quite sure why (I assume he just wasn't getting better; I can't explain it).  But I have realized the error of my ways.  Now, I am getting better, at least about my perfectionist tendencies. Here are a few steps that got me in the right direction, in case you are like me, and need to stop driving everyone close to you crazy: 

1. Admit to not being perfect

This is the most difficult part. If you are a true perfectionist, you are unable to even think about this concept. And then, even if you admit you aren't, you secretly harbor the feeling that one day it just might happen. But if you really want to get better, you have got to let go of the idea that you are on an endless quest, and at the end is a chest of gold called perfection. And accept that you will never be able to do everything, let alone do it perfectly.  Admit it: I am only human and I cannot save the world from (enter pet peeve here).  Say this every time you feel a perfectionist fit coming on.

2.  Channel the good, avoid the bad.

Being a perfectionist is not all bad. A perfectionist likes to see things done right. It allows me to work steadfastly at a task most would shrug, and to do it well.  It builds discipline, because you must be willing to do something over and over.  It builds stamina.  It also teaches you your limits, or lack thereof.  However, it can make you sick, and annoy people who work with you.  You have to learn to allow yourself to embrace the good, the increased endurance, the eye for detail.  But you have to learn when to expect, and divert, the bad.  Like when your eye for detail turns every flaw into failure.  And especially when that eye for detail sets out to make another person perfect.   

3.  Care what other people thing

I have learned that I am my toughest critic.  Oddly enough, I became this way because I grew up in a house without praise, and I became my own cheerleader.  Then, somewhere along the way I also learned to be a really tough taskmaster, but I still didn't care what anyone else thought.  It wasn't enough to get an A, it had to be a 100% (or more if there was extra-credit involved)!  If you are anything like me, or headed down that road, know that the non-perfectionist around you can be a great way to keep yourself in check.  And if you do care what other people think, then you will be as impressed by your success, imperfect though it may be, as anyone else.  I have to let someone else be my cheerleader, and trust their opinion.  Now only do this with a good friend, and someone who you know you can trust. But this person can help you avoid those late night panics about something not being good enough, because they remind you that, hey, it doesn't have to be perfect. 

 

Secret Confessions of a Working Woman

I have a secret. I don't remember the last time I cleaned my house. I am a single woman with no dependents; I should have a house like a show piece by ordinary convention. But I am also a single woman who works continually, and I try to have a personal life. What that adds up to is me wondering how on earth I would ever function with anyone else in my life for more than a weekend at a time.

Honestly, I believe it is all about priorities. And right now, my number one priority is my job. I want to be really good at it. I think about it all the time. I plan for it. I take on assignments I have no interest in and pretend to be intrigued so that people will want to give me the good work. I pretend that I have nothing better to do than work, so if at 7:45PM someone suggests I make changes to a document I say I can, with a smile, and at 7:45AM I get a message, the next morning no doubt, I break a leg to arrive at someone's office with a smile. No wonder the dishes don't get done every day.

One of my favorite bloggers said she hired a house-manager. Last year, one of my friends hired a maid. I was a little suprised as she was a single gal like me, but when I mentioned it I found out that at least three other ladies I know have one. I am seriously considering it.

The problem is, I feel guilty. I am a woman who comes from a long line of amazing homemakers, and I grew up with a mother who was like super woman, and would iron my school clothes in the morning before herself going off to tend to sick people at a hospital at 6:30AM. And somehow, when I got home after cheerleading/track/basketball practice there was food, homemade food. And I guess, deep down inside I think that no one will want to marry me if I can't do all these things. It seems every guy I know and date has a super mom; I can't even imagine myself doing all these things.

I really don't think you can have it all, including a clean house and a super demanding job, not if you are the one cleaning it. Right now in my life, my career is of upmost importance. I let everything else play second fiddle.  And when I drag myself home at 9PM at night after being at work since 8AM that day, I go home to my less than pristine house.  Ultimately, this is a balance I can live with. 

Diversity at work, looking at it inside out

My law firm has recently begun affinity groups. These groups are aimed at minority lawyers, minority for gender or race or sexual orientation, and seek to link members of these groups who agree to identify. But even before this initiative, groups met for lunch along typical "otherness" lines. And I think that this is good. For you, because you make a friend, and for the job. Because it helps people feel more connected at work. And because finding someone "like you" helps you be more productive at work.

Everyone has something unique about themselves that can help them find a group to identify with. Even when they don't realize it. In college, around my sophomore year it became a problem that people would segregate in the lunch room. There was one table, however, that alleged not to do this because their group looked like the rainbow. However, after sitting at this table a couple of times I realized just what made them so alike: everyone was from Canada! Students from the same area of the country also tended to segregate, as I regularly sat at the "Ohio table". And in the end, as the balance changed and groups began to segregate along different lines, it was no longer a "race" problem. People segregate along many different lines, and there is nothing necessarily wrong with it unless it is exclusive. It's natural, and unavoidable, and it is a good way to get to know someone you naturally have something in common with.

About a year before the initiative at work, all the minority women decided, and it was informal, to meet for lunch at least once a month and commiserate. Oddly enough, the discussion is rarely really about work. We exchange gossip, talk about interesting lunches we have, and discuss politics. We talk about the men in our lives, or lack thereof, and our families. We talk about trips we have taken, new clothes, sales at the mall, our cars, and other generalities about our lives.

Sometimes I wonder if other "affinity" group lunches are just like ours. And why we chose to associate along the lines that we did. We don't find it problematic. But more than once, someone in the groups has wondered aloud if, considering where I work, someone notices that all the black female attorneys in my class at the firm leave together for lunch on a regular basis, or sit together in the lawyer's dining room. And if people feel excluded.

Now we could never, and would never exclude. But I wonder sometimes how it is perceived when, for example, we have women's lunches, informally named, and very popular. How do the men feel about this?

Now, I don't always go to lunch with the hand full of associates who look like me. In fact, I mostly go to lunch with whomever is going to lunch when I am. But I do enjoy our ladies lunches. And I do think that having a group of people at work with whom you can talk about your life, and who you can make friends with, makes work much more enjoyable. And it another plug for work diversity.

Bonehead Moves That Jeopardize One's Career

There are things that people do and afterwards everyone makes jokes about how dumb it was. Elliot Spitzer and the call girls come to mind. But there are other things that ordinary employees do that I come accross far too often reading cases or on legal blogs that are true bonehead moves.

1. Looking at porn at work

It is paintfully obvious to me that this is a not smart move. I mean, really, you are on a company computer, using a company server and company internet access, and you chose to jeopardize your employment to do something you can easily do at home. Or at least somewhere else! They know. Trust me, they know.

This is much more common than you would think. Somehow, poeple blur the line between home and work so badly to where they forget that they are not sitting on their own couch when they click around on the internet during their lunch break (or even while they should be working). I suggest being aware of your company policies as for use of computers, but just to be the safe side, leave the nudity at home. All of it.

2. Searching for a job at work

It is a given that when you need to find a new job, you will have to take some time from your current job to do it. But you never, ever want to give away that you are seeking new employment. Instantly your boss will lose all interest in your career (unless you have a 

"special" relationship; and hopefully it doesn't violate work policies). And furthermore, it will make you seem like you don't care about your current job. A little tact is in order. If you do search, do so at home on your home computer, utilize vacation days, and be respectful of your current employer. Especially if that new job is not a slam dunk, and maybe still if it is.

3. Overuse of company resources

When I was a summer employee at a law firm that I hated, my last day of work I took home all the pens, pads, and highlighters I could find. I say, what the heck, I wouldn't come back here if they paid me. And I am sure that they noticed several boxes of highlighters missing from my floor. Not good work ettiquite.

While I don't think that you should only use one pen a year for fear of being seen as wasteful, I do not think that wasting company resources is a good idea. A story that comes to mind recently is the young summer employee who would remove all the hot chocolate from his floor nightly. Now this was nine or ten packets. And he did this over a period of 12 weeks. That is nearly 600 packets of hot cocoa. Who needs that much hot chocolate? No one. And an employer doesn't need someone who steals! Neither of us got job offers. And overuse of resources is a good way to lose the job you do have.

4. Misuse of company resources

So your company gives you a phone, right? Now you are going to call endlessly your five best friends and your mother, because hey, you don't have to pay the bill. Wrong! And 15 calls to 411 for the nearest starbucks aren't a smart decision, either.

As with computers, your company keeps a log of the phone calls you make from a work phone. And text messages. And, if your phone has internet, they may have a log of the searches and sites you visit as well.  Right now, the mayor of Detroit is in a lot of trouble for sending racy text messages to a woman he was having an affair with over a phone issued to him by the city. When something goes wrong, a law suit is filed, and there is discovery in a case, which means both sides have to release truckloads of information, company phones are fair game.  Which means that 3AM text to the girl you met at the club and can't keep off your mind just might end up in a newspaper article. A better choice: keep a personal phone for personal calls. 

These are just a few of the truly bonehead things people do on the job.  But I think what they have in common, not separating personal life from work life, translates well in to a golden rule of employment: only do things on company property or with company resources that you would do in front of your supervisor. With employment, the hardest part really is getting the job, assuming it is a good fit. You want to be the one to say goodbye and leave for greener pastures, not the other way around, so don't do anything truly stupid to ruin that opportunity.