Confessions of a (Recovering) Perfectionist

I must confess, I am a recovering perfectionist. If I am not careful, I worry endlessly if what I do is perfect. If I don't watch it, I stress myself out about whether or not I am meeting all of the unrealistic "perfect" goals I set for myself.  And despite my best efforts, I am on an endless quest to be better.  And, everything in my life must be getting better as well (relationships, personal attributes, professional attributes).  If I can't trade up, what am I trading to? 

While some desire to be perfect is good, too much is really a dangerous and annoying way to live.  My drive for perfection has caused the demise of more than one dating relationship, and I am still not quite sure why (I assume he just wasn't getting better; I can't explain it).  But I have realized the error of my ways.  Now, I am getting better, at least about my perfectionist tendencies. Here are a few steps that got me in the right direction, in case you are like me, and need to stop driving everyone close to you crazy: 

1. Admit to not being perfect

This is the most difficult part. If you are a true perfectionist, you are unable to even think about this concept. And then, even if you admit you aren't, you secretly harbor the feeling that one day it just might happen. But if you really want to get better, you have got to let go of the idea that you are on an endless quest, and at the end is a chest of gold called perfection. And accept that you will never be able to do everything, let alone do it perfectly.  Admit it: I am only human and I cannot save the world from (enter pet peeve here).  Say this every time you feel a perfectionist fit coming on.

2.  Channel the good, avoid the bad.

Being a perfectionist is not all bad. A perfectionist likes to see things done right. It allows me to work steadfastly at a task most would shrug, and to do it well.  It builds discipline, because you must be willing to do something over and over.  It builds stamina.  It also teaches you your limits, or lack thereof.  However, it can make you sick, and annoy people who work with you.  You have to learn to allow yourself to embrace the good, the increased endurance, the eye for detail.  But you have to learn when to expect, and divert, the bad.  Like when your eye for detail turns every flaw into failure.  And especially when that eye for detail sets out to make another person perfect.   

3.  Care what other people thing

I have learned that I am my toughest critic.  Oddly enough, I became this way because I grew up in a house without praise, and I became my own cheerleader.  Then, somewhere along the way I also learned to be a really tough taskmaster, but I still didn't care what anyone else thought.  It wasn't enough to get an A, it had to be a 100% (or more if there was extra-credit involved)!  If you are anything like me, or headed down that road, know that the non-perfectionist around you can be a great way to keep yourself in check.  And if you do care what other people think, then you will be as impressed by your success, imperfect though it may be, as anyone else.  I have to let someone else be my cheerleader, and trust their opinion.  Now only do this with a good friend, and someone who you know you can trust. But this person can help you avoid those late night panics about something not being good enough, because they remind you that, hey, it doesn't have to be perfect.