Don't Walk, RUN!

Whenever I tell people that I am a lawyer, they tell me one of two things (and sometimes both): (1) they are considering law school; and (2) I look really young to be a lawyer. 

I am very flattered by one (the young part). I hope to look young forever! But the  "considering law school" part concerns me. Mostly because of my own experience, and mostly because I vacillate between love and hate of the law school experience in general, and the legal profession in particular. One of my friends today said it best (during our "coffee break" when FYI, I don't drink coffee): Run, not walk, away from being a lawyer! 

Whatever you have heard about being a lawyer is all wrong. Law and order is not reality. Boston legal is not reality. That show about lawyers with the George Michael's song is not reality. And if a lawyer shows you their "typical day," more likely than not, they are glamorizing the experience. Partners in the office bring high schoolers to work all the time. They never take them to my office. They bring them when there is something special going on, and they take them to places lawyers don't go all the time (like to court).  Less than 10% of cases go to trial.  Most of what lawyers do is negotiate. And not in the glamorous sense. No damsels in distress. Just corporation X suing corporation Y because Y lost 100 shipments of product Z. Titillating! 

You say I am cynical, and you are right. But here is my "typical" day. Tell me if I am wrong:

6:30AM wake up. Really really want to hit the snooze button because I didn't get enough sleep. I was dreaming about the project I have to turn in today, and really really hoping that there wasn't something I forgot (which happens occasionally, and really throws things into a muck). Which meant I woke up at 1AM, 2AM, and 4AM my mind racing. 

7:30AM shower/get dressed/leave (by 8AM)

8:15AM arrive at the parking garage, and circle around trying to decide where is the best place to park my car. I have already had several mishaps (I hit the car swipy thing with my mirror; nearly hit a pole but was saved by my tire) so I am a little paranoid. Probably the most exciting thing about my day.

8:30AM in the office. Time to start billing. 

[ed. Lawyers at law firms must bill their time. That means that I have to write down every single second of the day when I am working and say what I did]

9:00AM call my friend in the office to gossip about the weekend. We complain about the men in our lives. Share some office gossip. Plan to meet downstairs for a coffee break.

10:30AM have coffee break. As I said above, I don't actually drink coffee. It makes me unable to sleep. So I sit and talk while everyone else drinks coffee. 

12:00PM walk across the street to get lunch. Eat at my desk. I am involved in a massive document review, which means I stare at documents on my computer all day. But, thankfully, I also have a couple of other projects (there are always multiple "balls in the air" if you will; and I feel like a juggler). One was due this morning. One is due tomorrow morning. I prep for the next one due. 

1:30PM walk across the street to Macy's for a 30 minute shopping break. I need a light sweater for a new dress I bought. I buy it, and return to work with 15 minutes to spare. I also look at luggage. I am not ready to invest $279 in one of those amazing spinning luggage thingys. The beautiful pink Samsonite stays at the store. 

5:30PM I turn my attention from the document review to the project due tomorrow. I am reviewing the facts of the case. Reading the complaint makes me laugh (though I feel guilty) because people do the craziest things at work. 

6:15PM I get ready to leave for the day.

Wasn't that exciting? My job isn't bad. It just isn't glamorous. So when people say, doesn't being a lawyer let you use all these skills, or isn't it fun to be in the court room, I don't know what to say. I don't want to crush your dream. But if you are like me, saddled with tons of debt, and very risk averse, you will work in a safe place on the 30-something or so floor, and read about other people's lives all day. Which is some version of what you do at a million other jobs. And while not bad, hardly what I thought I was signing up for.  I really think that I was supposed to be a socialite. Or a pop star (I just can't sing). 

It's a lot like law school was. I was all prepared to do stimulating intellectual work. What I found was a place to find a job. (Maybe I will do a day in a life about my law school experience.)  I literally had a job in December of my first year of law school. Not a thing intellectual about that! But, ah, such is life. 

I am not telling anyone not to be a lawyer. Being a lawyer is definitely a great way to help people. It opens doors in certain industries. And it does pay well. I guess I am advocating realism, and a more honest approach about the experience and cost that comes with being a lawyer.  I would do it again. I have nothing better to do. But now I know.  Nothing is ever as glamorous as we expect it to be. Except maybe business school. 

Does Money Matter for Love?

In law school, everyone seem obsessed with finding a man. I guess it was because they had been reading the literature. That says women are less likely to get married if they are professionals. So maybe their "pre-professional" state was a sort of last chance limbo.  I mean, people dated like it was going out of style. For me, ever the monogamous LT-relationship person, I found one "boyfriend" a year.  And I was the one moving on. 

But I found it hard to shake the fear that when I would graduate, dating would become a whole lot harder. Mostly because I make a lot of money, with a qualifier: for my age. I hope to be making a lot more in 10 years, as in double or triple. And that is the norm in some sense.

A friend of mine who blogs set it up nicely: fear of intimidation. I was taught by my mother that men like to be able to take care of you. But I don't need anyone to take care of me. I can definitely take care of him. So what is a girl to do? In law school I lied about being in law school; now my salary is all over the internet. Even if I wanted to lie, google makes it impossible. 

If only I was a man none of this would matter. In fact, it would help, because now I could really take care of her. I feel that salary expands a man's dating options (up until being a REALLY rich person; then he has to sort the real from the fake and it gets hard). I worry that it limits a woman's.  From fear of settling (a valentine's day article that told me to settle?) to fear of an imploding marriage because of money issues and unclear gender roles, I have it all. I guess it comes with the high salary?

A Market of Contradictions

The current job market is a tricky beast. Right now, it seems that certain industries are crumbling beneath the weight of the credit crunch, and one of my friend claims that there are 75,000 bankers out of work right now. But some industries can't seem to get enough workers. Right now, for example, the border patrol cannot meet its personnel demands. 

I think that the biggest factor here is prestige. It is prestigious to have a banking career. Right now, for some people, it is very much not prestigious to work with border patrol.  And it is certainly much less pay. 

But everyone can't be a banker. Or a doctor. Or even a lawyer. Everyone can't be a teacher, and shouldn't be for that matter. People have to find the position that best suits them. However, the quest for prestige, which is what I think it is, has created a very topsy turvy labor market full of young individuals driven towards jobs that are a bad fit because mom and dad want you to do something with your life that they can tell their parents about.

Right now, the legal sector is losing jobs. It is suffering from the same fate as the financial sector, though not as intense. Every other day there are stories and reports of job losses, and "natural" attrition in the industry has grown 10 fold.  It is really unavoidable, because ultimately it is all about profit, and no company in this market will retain employees that it doesn't really need. Downsizing happens everywhere. But the human toll, and the revelation of the contradictions of the market, bear noticing. It seems some industries, like nursing, can't get enough people. I thought about it the other day, while I was shopping and chatting with a fellow shopper who was a nurse. She had no school debt. And she was buying the same shoes I was.  Did I make the right choice?

Searching for a Sense of Community

Since moving away from home when I was 17, I have been trying to build a psuedo-family wherever I have been. I invest great effort in it at work, and outside of work I endeavor to make my ties to people in the community a little closer. It is hard though. For one, I live in a city that was, when I moved here, the murder capital of the country. So people don't feel very safe in general, and that creates barriers to really getting to know them. Secondly, I try to maintain my networks of friends who are further away, and my boyfriend is long-distance, so that means I am out of town a lot. It is difficult to create community and get to know people when you are never there. And finally, I work a lot. Even when I am not at work, I am often working. I don't know how to get around these issues.

Growing up, I lived in a neighborhood of working familes. I had friends in different areas within a three or four block radius. Some days, all of us would drive our bikes around the neighborhood, enjoying the scenery and deciding if we had enough money for chips and soda. I remember riding my little rainbow bike, the wind in my pigtails, enjoying my connection to the riders around me, and enjoying the sense of security I felt. I miss the community that school and neighborhood created. I am trying to remake that in my adult life. I think that this desire for lost community is what is behind the popularity with shows like Sex in the City and Friends. I also think that the loss of community is highlighted in books like Bowling Alone, or in an op ed I read in the NYTimes about how much more isolated neighbors are now than they were 20 years ago. It's a highlighted article for today, June 23, in case you would like to read it. What is the reason for the loss in community? Safety? I wonder if crime is that much more likely now than in 1970 or even 1980. And is the community from our neighborhoods being replaced by anything? Are we more connected to people now at work, or in different areas of our life?

I wonder about this as I long for the community I experienced in my youth. If there is a secret formula for creating these relationships, be it at work, in our neighborhoods, or at some other location, I haven't found it, but I won't stop looking.

The Power of Two Incomes or Why I Finally Decided Marriage Was For Me

It was no secret that I didn't want to get married in college. I told my college boyfriend's parents that (at a wedding no less), and they did a huge double take. But it was the truth, and I don't lie well. Maybe that is why his mother never liked me! 

But my views have changed. For several reasons. One is that I see raising kids alone is hard. The biggest, though, by far is the power of the two income household. Because you can always hire help for your kids. And I want to be 50 and beautiful, and the normal people I have seen who are 50 and beautiful with children are married and work full time jobs. 

I was at a going away party for a guy who works where my boyfriend does. The party was at another co-worker's house, which was absolutely beautiful, and situated on a picturesque lake. Inside the husband and wife had this really cool map of all the places they had been. It was littered with little pushpins, in exotic locations all over the world. The co-worker hosting the party was a woman who had just had a baby, and she looked fabulous. She, and a male co-worker, were discussing the power of the two income household, and evidently that is what allowed this couple their beautiful surroundings and opportunities. I realized, I want to be like that. She is a working mother, striking a happy balance for her between work and life. He works as well. And they achieved stuff. And while he wasn't at the party, I felt like I met him, because she mentioned him so often. She obviously really liked him. I want to really like my husband, and support him as he supports me in my career endeavors. So evidently there is something to this marriage/two income household idea.

And a final, vanity note: working women seem to be fitter and better looking, at least the ones I meet. I know that this isn't a universal, and I know that there are a lot of other factors involved, but I do know that lawyers at my law firm are much more fit than the general population, and I would bet that this holds true in most large cities in the corporate setting. I want to be a size six when I am 50. And I am a size six right now, and holding steady. In law school I went to a panel of women who were all alums and had carved out paths to success as women. It was insightful in many ways (they averaged 7 different jobs before they found the right "fit") but the most amazing thing was how beautiful they all were. They all had children (between 1 and four kids) and yet they were all fit and healthy looking, with fabulous-ness radiating from their beings.  Maybe the fountain of youth is working a corporate job and having to look beautiful (I HAVE to exercise; I am my product) to survive.  And this would only be possible for me, someone who wants two to three kids, if I marry a supportive spouse.  Very round about thinking, but a huge step for a girl who was going to be single forever!

Strengths 2.0

My boyfriend suggested that I find my strengths using the book strengthfinder 2.0. He recently found his strengths. I didn't agree with all of them, but then I only know him in a particular way. Our work selves, and our friend selves, differ from our relationship selves.  

My strengths were Achiever, Futuristic, Focus, Empathy and Individualization.  Honestly, I don't get two of them: futuristic, and empathy. I do know that I am an achiever; I am absolutely obsessed with achievement. I also am a really focused person. For example, when I run errands, I plan my trip to be circular. I am obsessed with efficient use of time and energy. And a little OCD.

It was actually really fun to take the test. I think that for the most part it was accurate. It was right about a lot of different things I don't normally think about. You do have to buy the book, but it is a worthwhile look at your strengths.   

Being Honest About Mental Health

Growing up in a conservative Black family, no one ever spoke about mental health. When I got older, I realized that mental illness was present in my family, as it is in many families, but it was treated with a "hush hush" attitude. No one went to a mental health professional. And no one got help.  Needless to say, there was a lot of crisis and self-medication that could have been avoided if someone, anyone, knew how important it is to make sure your mind is as healthy as your body. 

When I was in college, I went through a series of small crisis. I was at the end of my rope, and someone suggested seeing a mental health professional. I called my insurance company, and they told me that I had mental health coverage. Score! I love going to the doctor. I found a nice lady within a five mile radius to talk to. I went every week. It was so therapeutic. And I talked about things I never discussed with anyone before. I learned all about cognitive behavioral therapy, and my life greatly improved. 

This experience turned out to be great practice. When I got to law school I developed a severe social anxiety. I had a panic attack in large groups and could not go to school functions. But I knew where to go to get help. And I did. I cannot tell you how valuable those skills I learned from my experience with anxiety have become for networking and job functions. 

When I was in my third year in law school, I took a personality test that showed me that I was not cut out to be a lawyer. I was very annoyed, as I took it at a school sponsored event, so I called a very good guy friend to complain. He then sent me to a website with horrific information about lawyers: we are depressed drug addicts who die young. Yep, horrific. I can't remember the site, but then again, I don't want to ever go back. 

So I realized that I might need to talk to someone regarding my mental health in a profession where nearly (or over, depending on the study) 50% of its practitioners suffer from some level of depression.  As of yesterday I found a therapist, and I am enjoying a new cognitive therapy workbook.

Maybe you think that this is not for you. Maybe you think that you are fine. Maybe you are. But if you are a young workers, fresh out of college, or about to be that young worker fresh out of college, here are some things to consider. You are not invincible. And your life is about to change drastically. You will be asked to mature quickly, be responsible for a greater number of things than you thought existed, and learn to cope with new and challenging environments. You will have to learn to handle failure, because it is inevitable, and be graceful in defeat, a skill I don't think they are teaching in college anymore 

And you will leave many of your friends and supporters behind, striking out to begin a new support system. You will have to learn to make new people like you.  This is easier for some than for others.  And even if you return home, things will be different.

Have you ever changed climates quickly and gotten sick? I know that for me, the spring time is my "illness" time. It's the change. Your mind is like your body. And no, I don't mean it is "sick" but I do mean that all the changes can be difficult to comprehend, and challenging to adapt to. And it is super helpful to have someone to talk to, to help you sort things out, and to develop behaviors that help you transition. 

So take time for your mental health. Take time to make sure you are feeling, mentally and emotionally, your best, so that you can concentrate on meeting all those new challenges that life is throwing your way. 

Thoughts on Love, Dating, and Other Things Love Related, like Kids?

I have to devote a longer post to something that is a major topic of conversation with everyone I encounter, not just my girlfriends. Love, dating, and marriage. But not in that order. 

It seems that I have reached that magic age where people expect me to get married. And, seeing as how I am seeing someone seriously, people, all kinds of people, ask me about marrying him. It is ok, because I think he is pretty great, but I happen to think that it is a bit forward for the hairdresser who I have known for about 15 minutes to be asking that question. But it seems that all is open in employment and love. 

First off, I do want to get married. I feel like I have to at least try. But honestly, I didn't give marriage as an actual event very much thought until last year.  I really didn't want to get married in college. I had never seen a marriage I liked, and as I am one of those "learn by example" kind of people, I really didn't have an example to learn from.  In fact, I still have serious doubts on the issue, having come to the conclusion that more than five years in, marriage becomes two people who are in a mutually un-fulfilling relationship. Watching my parents was painful, seeing them both try to get the one thing it seemed like the other couldn't give.  Eventually of course, they gave up.  I don't get it though; it seems that before the marriage they were so happy. I think my mother blames it all, at least in part, her three children. But it happens even without children.  And isn't marriage an extension of the relationship before? So just what does marriage do to these relationships that seems to send them off into unhappy-dom rather than the promised happily ever after? 

Then there is the corporate woman in me, who is thoroughly confused by the idealism of my former self, but misses it dearly. One of my favorite poems is something I read in college, as an English major, when I felt love was enough, that describes how, as a woman, I come to a relationship open, heart not just on sleeve but vulnerable, exposed, like a flower to the sun, waiting to see if you will love me or reject me. I like that idea of openness. I really like love. But I don't like what it becomes. In college, it was great for two years exactly. Then after that, it was horror, and I spent four more years trying to get those two years back.  I think it jaded me a little on the real thing. But Stevie (Wonder) can take me back there anytime. The question is, do I stay. 

I came to the understanding that I would get married in law school. After watching my parent's relationship disintegrate before my very eyes, I was quite afraid of marriage. But I realized, after polling most of my guy friends, that they were all going to get married. Furthermore, everyone I dated seemed to opposed the idea of being "life mates" without getting married. To them, being married was the most natural thing in the world. I would discuss whether they saw a happy marriage, and most agreed with me that they did not. But their marriage would be different. Their wife would love them unconditionally and fulfill their wildest dreams. She would not gain weight and always want sex. She would make them feel like men, 100% of the time, and never nag and complain. She would cook and clean like a pro, and pop out babies while maintaining her physique. Yep, they were delusional. But they all were. I realized: I will die alone if I don't get married. 

Then, dating evolved for me.  With marriage on the table , there are a million other considerations, like income and child rearing ideals, as well as preferred location, family, and flexibility.  I have disqualified people because of their feelings about stay-at-home moms (I will not be one).  I miss just looking for a heart-mate, someone who makes me laugh and thinks I look cute when I wake up.  But in this day and age, when it was scandal that one of my female law professors married an auto mechanic, what's a girl to do? I'll tell you: search for a man with a matching number of degrees. 

So all this love history and pondering brings me to where I am now. Dating someone who I really think is a male version of myself, quirky, terribly smart, and very funny in a "my kind of humor" sort of way.  And I wonder, if we were to commit to each other, would the marriage monster get us too?  But, via an informal poll, I know he too wants to get married. And while he is like me, and has considered whether his ideals will live up to reality, I really think he too longs for the same perfect dream of marriage that every loving couple does, walking down the isle, imagining that they will pledge to one another forever.  There is no harm in dreaming. 

Employee Law Tidbit: On Entering Into "Agreements" at Work

By agreements, I mean agreeing with your employer to stay with the company for a specified period of time in exchange for a sum of money or training, or both. 

The thing is, employment is generally at-will in the United States. Sure there are a few exceptions, high powered CEO's and teachers, but most of us can be fired at any time. Yep, that is right. You can be fired at any time.  But, you can also leave at any time. It's a two way street, and two weeks notice is not required. 

But employers, they try to get around this and retain specialty talent in ways that benefit them.  One way is the "agreement".  It is a contract, but the employer doesn't want to really call it that because they want to still be able to fire you.  Most likely, if you are a "professional" who has received some educational benefit from your employee, be it paid business school or bar review classes like me, or even just a signing bonus, you know that if you leave your employer within a specified period of time, you will be paying your employer back. 

So what should you do if you hate your job and you have entered into such an "agreement"? 

1. Get all the benefit you can. Every employer has perks that you should take advantage of, and if you have received paid tuition or training you know all about these. Make the most out of your "indentured" time.  

2. Build your resume. If you have a year to kill (and hopefully the honeymoon lasted longer than this), start thinking of ways you can make your resume shine, or people who you can use as references, and get busy  building those relationships. But be careful. I know someone who picked a reference, and it backfired. He was at her current job and he didn't want her to leave. So remember where you are, and tread the reference area carefully.

3. If you must leave, be very honest with your new employer, and discuss the situation carefully with your old employer. The last thing you want is a lawsuit, so you should plan carefully to be sure that you don't burn any bridges, or get involved in a sticky situation.  If your employer has invested significant time and energy in your training, use that as leverage to improve your working conditions and bid out the time before you make your transition to new employment. 

Generally, these agreements shouldn't last longer than a year. But a year is a long time to be somewhere you hate. If you unfortunately enter into an "agreement" to work at a place that resembles hell, make the most of it.  Use whatever you can to make your job more useful, tolerable, or even informative, and plan your next move carefully. You've got time. 

Are There "New Work Rules" or Are Young Workers Simply Less Tolerant of the B.S.?

Everywhere, and all around us, young workers are "changing" things. They aren't willing to work their fingers to the bone for one company. They will take flexibility over salary. They will search for that happy place.

I watched a news special where a definitely not young worker attempted to describe the phenomenon that is the young worker. She used cute industry buzz words, and of course described "them" in non-glowing terms to her presumably not-young-worker audience. I was offended. Mostly because I watch the evening news, and have since I was a child, and after taking a brief hiatus to overcome my television addiction, this is what I am greeted with.  But I was also offended because the alleged expert missed something else: that this "new" crop of workers is simply responding to "old" rules.

There was a time when capitalism was king, and the weak were exploited for the powerful. Even more than now.   There was a time where a man lost a limb working for his employer and got nothing. But then, the depression hit, and things changed.  And the government paid for damaged workers, people who lost whole portions of themselves thanks to the capital machine that eats things up and spits them out. So the idea of social responsibility for the corporate entity was born. And that is where the great institutions like workers compensation and unemployment come from.  But, they work and then they don't. No amount of money can make you whole if you are hurt in the corporation's pursuit of wealth. No matter how you are hurt. And if it is cheaper to hurt you, guess what? You will be hurt. That is how the system works. Cost benefit analysis is king in pure capitalism. 

Furthermore, I am always amazed when people pretend to be surprised by the greed that exists in the world, and the choices that companies make.  Pharmaceutical companies not withstanding.  Corporations are metaphorically living breathing entities that exist to make money.  Your health, your life, your family be damned.  If a drug will make 50 billion, and only cost 50 million in lawsuits because of lost lives, the drug will be made. A life, contrary to popular opinion, is not of some inestimable and infinite value.  It can be paid for; at least according to the tort system.  And the going rate is about a million dollars, less legal fees about $600,000. I'm not making it up.  

Young workers realize this. They see that the social programs don't really protect them from the fact that they are expendable. So they get in and get out, and they make the system work for them. They feel no loyalty, because really, a company feels no loyalty to you. There is nothing new about this; in fact, things have gotten better on the whole corporate responsibility front.  However, young workers are putting themselves, their brand, and their personal "business", ahead of the company that seeks to swallow them whole, use them, and get maximum value while doing it. So I applaud you, fellow young worker. Because your eyes are open, you have no illusions about the at-will nature of employment, and you are out to protect yourself, your family, and your life. 

The Work/Love Balance

Right now, I can blissfully say that I am in love. He is tall and handsome, and he is super nice. I am very happy. But it is hard, mostly because we don't live in the same city (and never have) and also because, well, I feel like at times I am always at work (not right now, while I am recuperating from sickness, but most of the time).

Life requires balance, some kind of balance. Even if the scales are drastically tipped to one direction, and work/family/bowling get most of your attention. Something wins, other things pick up the slack, and if you fall asleep at night feeling fulfilled, you have created some type of balance.

The trick, I think, is reaching that balance. It isn't having the scale tip perfectly between two extremes. It isn't having everyone praise you for reaching a work/family nirvana. I think it is reaching a sense of fulfillment at the end of the day, knowing that you have worked hard, played hard, and it's time to go home. Some days, I feel like that. Some days I don't. I really hope that at some point in my life, that feeling becomes the norm. Until then, I will resent that I don't get to talk to my boyfriend very much when I am working, and worry that he will feel neglected, because he was totally there for me when he was working and I was not (I was studying for the bar, and needed a LOT of reassurance).