It seems that I have reached that magic age where people expect me to get married. And, seeing as how I am seeing someone seriously, people, all kinds of people, ask me about marrying him. It is ok, because I think he is pretty great, but I happen to think that it is a bit forward for the hairdresser who I have known for about 15 minutes to be asking that question. But it seems that all is open in employment and love.
First off, I do want to get married. I feel like I have to at least try. But honestly, I didn't give marriage as an actual event very much thought until last year. I really didn't want to get married in college. I had never seen a marriage I liked, and as I am one of those "learn by example" kind of people, I really didn't have an example to learn from. In fact, I still have serious doubts on the issue, having come to the conclusion that more than five years in, marriage becomes two people who are in a mutually un-fulfilling relationship. Watching my parents was painful, seeing them both try to get the one thing it seemed like the other couldn't give. Eventually of course, they gave up. I don't get it though; it seems that before the marriage they were so happy. I think my mother blames it all, at least in part, her three children. But it happens even without children. And isn't marriage an extension of the relationship before? So just what does marriage do to these relationships that seems to send them off into unhappy-dom rather than the promised happily ever after?
Then there is the corporate woman in me, who is thoroughly confused by the idealism of my former self, but misses it dearly. One of my favorite poems is something I read in college, as an English major, when I felt love was enough, that describes how, as a woman, I come to a relationship open, heart not just on sleeve but vulnerable, exposed, like a flower to the sun, waiting to see if you will love me or reject me. I like that idea of openness. I really like love. But I don't like what it becomes. In college, it was great for two years exactly. Then after that, it was horror, and I spent four more years trying to get those two years back. I think it jaded me a little on the real thing. But Stevie (Wonder) can take me back there anytime. The question is, do I stay.
I came to the understanding that I would get married in law school. After watching my parent's relationship disintegrate before my very eyes, I was quite afraid of marriage. But I realized, after polling most of my guy friends, that they were all going to get married. Furthermore, everyone I dated seemed to opposed the idea of being "life mates" without getting married. To them, being married was the most natural thing in the world. I would discuss whether they saw a happy marriage, and most agreed with me that they did not. But their marriage would be different. Their wife would love them unconditionally and fulfill their wildest dreams. She would not gain weight and always want sex. She would make them feel like men, 100% of the time, and never nag and complain. She would cook and clean like a pro, and pop out babies while maintaining her physique. Yep, they were delusional. But they all were. I realized: I will die alone if I don't get married.
Then, dating evolved for me. With marriage on the table , there are a million other considerations, like income and child rearing ideals, as well as preferred location, family, and flexibility. I have disqualified people because of their feelings about stay-at-home moms (I will not be one). I miss just looking for a heart-mate, someone who makes me laugh and thinks I look cute when I wake up. But in this day and age, when it was scandal that one of my female law professors married an auto mechanic, what's a girl to do? I'll tell you: search for a man with a matching number of degrees.
So all this love history and pondering brings me to where I am now. Dating someone who I really think is a male version of myself, quirky, terribly smart, and very funny in a "my kind of humor" sort of way. And I wonder, if we were to commit to each other, would the marriage monster get us too? But, via an informal poll, I know he too wants to get married. And while he is like me, and has considered whether his ideals will live up to reality, I really think he too longs for the same perfect dream of marriage that every loving couple does, walking down the isle, imagining that they will pledge to one another forever. There is no harm in dreaming.
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